15 Years...

15 years ago today, I married my best friend and lover. In what has been described as one of the weirdest weddings ever (thanks, Pastor Ken), I made a commitment; in sickness and health, for richer for poorer, until death due us part (which has been close since I have made her want to kill me on more than one occasion).
I have contemplated for a couple of days now what I wanted to write about my great gift from God. What can I say about this amazing woman? Do I write about how crazy she is? I mean, she married me. In some states that would be considered certifiable. Most women would never consider picking up their entire life and transplanting it half way across the country, leaving everything behind. This woman has done it twice. Still not sure I understand that depth of love.
I had never had any children by blood (only by grace), so at 40 she blesses me with the two greatest things I have ever helped create. How do you thank someone for that? How do you explain just what that has really meant in your life. A couple of times I have done something with the kids and made a post about how it doesn't get better than this and I get the social media equivalent of "the look". It is probably because I don't remind her enough that she has given me almost all of the greatest blessings of my life, herself being one of the best.

She must be crazy to put up with the lack of attention sometimes, the seemingly endless times of distraction and squirrels that take away from the time that should belong to her and her alone. Sometimes I think about her love for me the same way that I think about God's love for me. I shake me head and think, "I don't get it God, because I would have given up on me a long time ago". She could have saved herself plenty of heartache, but she has never given up on me. Even when I gave up on me.
She has helped me believe in myself when I didn't and couldn't. And because of that, we have seen God bless us and bring us to where we are now, with a great job and great family.
I could go on like this all day. The long drives, the happy talking. Watching a wave knock her on her butt and just laughing.The times of intense spiritual warfare. The joy of seeing her walk down an aisle with a t-shirt that said "Daddy 2 be". Holding her hand and crying when we lost Nathaniel, trying to make sense of it all. Our first hike together, that ended with her collapsed on a trail in the middle of the woods. God using that to show us some of her medical issues. Her getting pregnant and having Matthias. And DevonRose. The ups and downs with the teenagers. And the things that we learned that make us better parents today.

And the list goes on. And we continue to walk it together, side by side. Sometimes I get a little ahead and sometimes she gets a little ahead, but we always end up right on time.
Connie Todryk, I love you more than words can say. Thank you for being mine.

All my love,
Your prince

P.S.

Breaking Bad and the Finish Line

My wife and I have started watching Breaking Bad while we wait for the Walking Dead to start back up. I had heard a lot about the series and so far it has lived up to the hype, in my opinion. It is both dramatic and funny and it has stirred up a lot of emotions at times.

It has been an interesting dichotomy watching the show with my wife; she lost her first husband to cancer and I was a hardcore drug addict that was a total meth head at the end. There have been many moments in the show when either one of us has nodded our head and relived for a few moments something from those times. The episode I watched last night was one of those times...

Season 2, Episode 6: Peekaboo - When Jesse the drug dealer goes to the house of  a couple of junkies to teach them a lesson, he finds the house empty except for a little 5 or 6 year old boy home alone, his junkie parents off scoring. The entire episode was sad and incredibly hard to watch. It reminded me of many people that I knew and sadly, even myself. While I never just left the kids at home alone, I did nod off one time after a 2 day binge, passed out, remembering nothing, with a 6 and 4 year old running around the house by themselves. What is interesting to me is that it was that incident; losing my kids, losing everything, that caused me to realize the depth of my depravity, hit rock bottom, and turn to God. Sadly many, like the show last night, never wake up.

I don't think that is is productive to spend time thinking about the past. When you kick dead things, all you get is stink. But there are time when you will see something that reminds you just how black your blackness was, which in turn shows you just how bright the light of Gods Love and Grace is. "He who is forgiven much, loves much". God has saved me and set me on a path that has impacted many lives and for that I am eternally grateful. "God turns all things to good for those who love him", shining His light even in our blackest night. There is nothing too impossible for God. I am living proof. And so are you.

There is a verse in the song "The Finish Line" by Steve Taylor that says:

Off in the distance
Bloodied but wise

As you squint with the light of the truth in you eyes

And I saw you

Both hands were raised

And I saw your lips move in praise

And I saw you steady your gaze

For the finish line

Every idol like dust

A word scattered them all

And I rose to my feet when you scaled the last wall

And I gasped

When I saw you fall

In His arms

At the finish line

Enjoy the video below. A great song of redemption. And remember, nothing is impossible for God.

Talking Matt 5:38-42

I had a friend of mine ask for my take on Matt 5:38-42, so I thought I would share my thought here too.

Matt 5: 38-42: 38 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’39 But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. 40 And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well.41 If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles.42 Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.

I think to understand this passage we need to start off by understanding the context. In Old Testament Jewish law, if someone killed someone you killed them, whatever someone did you did it right back to them in the same way and the same measure. I believe that Jesus is taking different aspects of our interactions with difficult people and showing us new ways to do that in forgiveness and love. Verse 39, I believe, speaks of forgiveness when people hurt you or cause you pain. I do NOT believe that it means "Don't defend yourself", but that if someone hurts you to not turn your back on them, to keep you face towards them. I also do not believe that it means setting yourself up to be hurt over and over again by them either. There are times when it is wisdom to separate ourselves from toxic people and even family members that are consistently and willfully hurting us, but this should never be our first choice. I was reminded of the passage from the book Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis on forgiveness and what it means and what it does not mean in regards to people that hurt us, "Our Enemies"

Now that I come to think of it, I remember Christian teachers telling me long ago that I must hate a bad man’s actions, but not hate the bad man: or, as they would say, hate the sin but not the sinner.For a long time I used to think this a silly, straw-splitting distinction: how could you hate what a man did and not hate the man? But years later it occurred to me that there was one man to whom I had been doing this all my life – namely myself. However much I might dislike my own cowardice or conceit or greed, I went on loving myself. There had never been the slightest difficulty about it. In fact the very reason why I hated the things was that I loved the man. Just because I loved myself, I was sorry to find that I was the sort of man who did those things. Consequently, Christianity does not want us to reduce by one atom the hatred we feel for cruelty and treachery. We ought to hate them. Not one word of what we have said about them needs to be unsaid. But it does want us to hate them in the same way in which we hate things in ourselves: being sorry that the man should have done such things, and hoping, if it is anyway possible, that somehow, sometime, somewhere he can be cured and made human again. Mere Christianity, Book 3, Chapter 7, C.S. Lewis

Another quote that I found that really speaks to me on this subject of forgiveness is from Corrie ten Boom. One of the things that Lewis was dealing with in the previous quote was the issues after WWII with people forgiving the Nazi's. Lewis states that he is not sure how he would react or whether he could forgive. This quote from Corrie ten Boom cuts right to the heart of the matter.

It was at a church service in Munich that I saw him, the former SS man who had stood guard at the shower room door in the processing center at Ravensbruck. He was the first of our actual jailers that I had seen since that time. And suddenly it was all there – the roomful of mocking men, the heaps of clothing, Betsie’s pain blanched face. He came up to me as the church was emptying, beaming and bowing. “How grateful I am for your message Fräulein”, he said “To think that, as you say, He has washed my sins away!” His hand was thrust out to shake mine. And I, who had preached so often to the people in Bloemendaal the need to forgive, kept my hand at my side. Even as the angry, vengeful thoughts boiled through me, I saw the sin of them. Jesus Christ had died for this man; was I going to ask for more? Lord Jesus, I prayed, forgive me and help me to forgive him. I tried to smile; I struggled to raise my hand. I could not. I felt nothing, not the slightest spark of warmth or charity. And so again I breathed a silent prayer. Jesus, I cannot forgive him. Give me Your Forgiveness. As I took his hand the most incredible thing happened. From my shoulder along my arm and through my hand a current seemed to pass from me to him, while into my heart sprang a love for this stranger that almost overwhelmed me. And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world’s healing hinges, but on His. When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself.” Corrie ten Boom

I really think this says it best on how we interact with those who hurt us or betray us.

Verse 40, I believe, deals with circumstances where we have done the wrong. If someone is suing you, there is a perceived wrong by the other person, whether justified or not. In those cases, go above and beyond to make things right. If it's your fault, take care of it, if it's not, do everything in your power to smooth it out.

Verse 41 deals with a practice where any Roman soldier could walk up to any Jewish native and make them carry their stuff for one mile (no easy feat, their stuff weighed up to 100 lbs.). Jesus is saying that sometimes it is OK to give up our perceived "rights" to advance the Kingdom. I also believe he was addressing issues of submitting to authority and always going beyond what is expected. This is very applicable to a work environment. 

Verse 42 deals with having a generous heart at all times.

Uriah Heep and the Power of Grace

I got into the car this morning for work. When the car started, the radio just happened to be playing my favorite Uriah Heep song.

Stealin'

Take me across the water
'Cause I need some place to hide
I done the rancher's daughter
And I sure did hurt his pride, ah ha

Well, there's a hundred miles of desert lies
Between his hide and mine
I don't need no food 'n' no water, Lord
'Cause I'm running out of time

Fightin', killin', wine and women
Gonna put me to my grave
Runnin', hidin', losin', cryin'
Nothing left to save but my life

Stood on a ridge and shunned religion
Thinking the world was mine
I made my break and a big mistake
Stealing when I should have been buying

This is a simple song with a fairly straight forward point. The singer has lived for himself his whole life and his sin is finally catching up with him. I think one of the reasons that this song resonates so deeply with me is because I think that everyone that hasn’t lived their entire life under the sounds of the church bells has at some point gotten to the place where the singer is in the song. It’s a matter of where we go from there…

I don't need no food 'n' no water, Lord
'Cause I'm running out of time

On June 14^th, 1987 I had run out of time. I was about as strung out on Crystal Meth as someone can be. I was regularly staying up for almost a full week at a time. Every waking moment was spent looking for the next line. I would lie and steal from anyone, even my own family. I was incapable of functioning on any kind of normal level. My wife at the time had a stroke and all I cared about was how it would affect me.

Stood on a ridge and shunned religion
Thinking the world was mine

I was going to church at the time, had almost tried to develop a conscience, but when the rubber met the road, I was the most selfish bastard that I can imagine. People close to me and some of the sad people that I actually made live it with me know most of the depth of it; but inside of me it was an even blacker darkness than I can describe. It actually makes me physically ill to remember myself like that. Then, during the week leading up to the 14^th, I made the decisions that took me to the brink. I lost my wife, my kids, my job in the course of about 2 days. I had run out of time. I had to make a choice. My choice…

Runnin', hidin', losin', cryin'
Nothing left to save but my life

In less than 2 weeks I will be turning 51. By any normal stretch I am about 2/3 of the way around the course. I have been saved longer than I have been unsaved now, so I really have way less excuses now for the mistakes that I make. And while I am far, FAR from perfect, the perfect God allows me to fall into his grace again and again. I am more grateful for the grace of God now than ever and more grateful for a church that preaches the grace of God week in and week out. I have been able to touch in a small way many, many lives and for that I am grateful. I get the honor of allowing my gifting’s to be used on a church platform for God’s people. I get to serve with the greatest pastor I have ever had the privilege of knowing. I have an amazing woman of God who loves me, a son that wants to be like me, a huge group of kids that I can call mine. It is an overflowing blessing that I can’t contain. Nothing left to save, but my life.

Stood on a ridge and shunned religion
Thinking the world was mine
I made my break and a big mistake
Stealing when I should have been buying

I was talking about 12 years ago to one of my old connections. He was talking at length about what it was like in the heyday of his dealing. Talking about the night he slept with 5 different ladies. Thinking the world was his. I heard he was back in town recently. He is blind and has to be led around by his kids, with nothing but the “Glory Days” to sustain him. It’s all about a choice…

Living deliberately

About 3 months or so ago I have a woman who is like a daughter to me share so tragic news. It seems her mother had been given about 2 months to live. This is especially tragic because the two of them had just finally repaired their relationship after many years. I told my friend that I would pray for her mother and that with God it's never over until he says it is. I was discussing this with my wife and she said how hard that is, that that was about the same time that her late husband was given when he was first diagnosed. He ended up living 15 months. I said that that amount of time sounds so short. She said, "Yes it is, but you can make a lot of memories in 2 months".
Those words hit me like a lightning bolt. I began to dwell on them for a while. I have gone whole years without making any significant memories that stood out to me. I began to ask myself, why should a bad health report make a difference in making memories? I began to think about it. It's because when we think we don't have much time, we start living life with intent. We begin to live deliberately, knowing time is short.
So, why don't I do that now? Because I am fooled into thinking I have time. Time to do it later. Time to do it tomorrow. Time to do it next week. Time to see my son's game the next time. Time to see my daughter's play next week, or month, or year. How many things have I missed out on because I thought I had time to do something and then circumstances changed and I couldn't do it at all? How many people have I hurt, let down, alienated? In the song Time off of Dark Side of the Moon, Pink Floyd sang:

And then one day you find,
Ten years have got behind you,
No one told you when to run,
You missed the starting gun.

God is challenging me to live deliberately. To live with intent. To stop living like I have time that I don't know that I have. To stop wasting the most precious commodity that we have; time. To start sharing God's love and truth with people like I may never see them again. To start taking chances. To start loving my God in new ways, loving my wife in new ways, loving my kids in new ways. To live the same way that I talk. To live likes there's no tomorrow.
I don't have a lot of regrets, because what I have been through God has used to shape me closer to who he wants me to be. But one regret I do have, I have wasted a lot of time, both my own, other peoples, and God's. When I pass on, the only thing that goes with me is the people I bring with me through sharing God's love and my memories. In order to make a difference I have to live deliberately, with intent.
My friends mother passed. We talked on the phone. We laughed, we cried. They made memories.